Sydenham Office, Leamington Spa, Tuesday 15th June, 2010.

1) Obviously, what with there being a new Government hell-bent on making cut backs in Local Authority spending and such like, it is vitally important that we reassure that very nice Mr Cameron that there's absolutely no need to train his spotlight on the likes hard working folk like us.

2) And, furthermore, should a member of the team (whose name may or not be Carolyn) bring her newly acquired puppy (who may or may not be called Milo) into the office, then said Government can rest assured that no Team Manager (whose name may or may not be Vicky) will use this as an excuse to raise office morale by encouraging a communal 'bit of a fuss' (oh no).

Gheluvelt Park swans update: Sunday 13th June, 2010.

1) Who wrote the lyrics to that song by Danny Kaye? Were they on drugs? 'There once was an ugly duckling', indeed. Cygnets aren't ugly and here's the proof.

Birmingham, Saturday 12th June, 2010.

1) 'Yer diggin' it round, when it ortta be square!' Ah yes, the immortal childhood lyrics sung by Bernard Cribbins. Birmingham City Council are ignoring them at their peril as they dig another ruddy great hole in the city centre. This one will eventually morph into the new Central Library. So, 'watch this space'. Literally.

2) Always something going on in Birmingham. Today it's a Food Fair. A splendid opportunity for people to make money from hungry people like us. But first we have to get David's hair cut and do some shopping. That should work up an appetite.

3) This is what Aussies eat all the while (oh yes). In true Ocker-style we enquire whether the burgers come with 'the lot'? The cook (we hesitate to say chef) looks at us blankly. Something tells us he is un-Australian. Good job David's got an appointment at the barbers or he'd have to barrack the bloke.

4) An hour and a half later and we are ready to sample some street cuisine. Vicky's tackling some chicken noodles which, she explains, are not a patch on the ones we had at the Chinese New Year.

5) David, on the other hand, never one to be backward coming forward at meal times, has already polished off his chicken paella whilst Vicky queued up for her noodles. Very nice too, is his verdict.

Gheluvelt Park swans update: Thursday 10th June, 2010.

1) It's quite late in the afternoon and our family of swans is settling down for the night. Don't worry, the second cygnet is fine but, sadly, just out of shot.

3) Mum! Mum!! Why are these big ugly humans pointing that thing at me? Don't worry, dear, they'll get fed up with it eventually.

Gheluvelt Park swans update: Monday 7th June, 2010.

I was getting worried for a bit last week. Hadn't spotted the family on my regular walk through the park for a couple of days. Must have been lurking in further flung parts. But they are back now. Which is good.

Evesham Cat's Protection, Sunday 6th June, 2010.

1) Let's start in the medical ward. Two sweet kittens who, as soon as they are fit and well, will be re-homed, no problem. Not quite sure what is wrong with them exactly. A touch of kitten flu perhaps? A chance for Ann and Derek to perform wonders with a syringe.


2) Tiddles?! Cowin' Tiddles!? Is this the best name that the combined expertise of the CP can come up with? Fergawdsake somebody, adopt this cat forthwith and give it a decent name.

3) Vicky, Derek and Ann all said this one's a bit bit squiffy. Squiffy? David is righteously appalled. He's lovely, he retorts, and any cat who likes a rub just behind the ears is alright by me.

4) Prisoner of Cell Block 5 Update, pt 386. We've always thought this one was a fella but it transpires he is a she and her name is Gemma (with a 'G', so as not to be confused with Jemma with a 'J', obviously). Don't tell the CP but we have secretly re-christened her 'Hattie'. She's starting to get used to us after over a year of monthly visiting orders and is quite happy nowadays to use a thigh as a handy head rest. It's progress. Not much, but it is progress.

British Hill Climb Championship, Shelsley Walsh, Saturday 5th June, 2010.

To hell with the hay fever. It's two hill climbs knee-deep in pollen two weekends running. Some folk are gluttons for punishment.
1) An appropriate motif for a hill climb car when we will be at the Cats Protection tomorrow, don't you think?

2) Never realised until today that Will Hall's 1600cc Force PC is powered by a bored-out Suzuki Hayabusa engine and it's by no means the only one in the 1100cc - 1600cc racing car class. Hmm, must get chatting to folk in the paddock more often. It's amazing what you can find out that way.

3) Derek Bell trying out the Ash Mason/ Steven Day (I think) 4 Litre Pilbeam MP97-01 for size on a demonstration run. David is pleased to tell Vicky that he's seen Derek Bell drive in the '70's, not the '80's, the '90's and now the...er......whatever it is they're calling this new decade. Vicky is pleased to listen (oh yes).

4) This is Colin Dodge urging his 760 Triumph Bonneville out of the Top 'S'.

6) Howard settles down for a bit of hill climbing action and the much appreciated chance to catch his breath. A wheezing David and Vicky (thankfully) just out of shot (oh, the cowin' humidity).

7) OK, 'Films' have been replaced by Memory Cards, so we can understand that one. So what or who has done for 'Sweets'. We can only conclude that the Food Police have recently visited here (the swines).

8) It's well gone lunch time and Martin Groves (l) and Paul Ranson (adjusting him - more tea vicar?) have only just unloaded their 3.5 Litre Gould GR55B-NME from the back of their trailer after spending a week rebuilding it after Groves pranged it at Gurston Down last weekend. So, they probably won't do very well this week then, eh? Actually, FTD and two Top 12 Run Off wins. Pretty outstanding effort then.

9) David is pleased to try out Shelsley's new Paddock Toilets. Er, Vic, there are no urinals. No Dave, you pillock, you've just used the Ladies. Ah, good job no-one else was caught short then. Note to self: must concentrate and pay attention to door signs in future.

10) Higher! Lower! Alright m'loves! Good game, good game! Bruce Forsyth enjoys a weekend's down time helping out at the Shelsley start line. Well, he does look quite a bit like a (slightly) younger version of him.

11) Humiliated by a pillock who can't differentiate between the gents and the ladies, Vicky is pleased to announce that it is time to go. Well, she says, we have been here over five and a half hours.